From The Archives: The Ham's Obituary (Jan 08)

I wrote an obituary for a delicious, honey glazed, spiral ham that my friend Mark gave me. It sat in my fridge for almost a month, and everytime I had my friends over to hang out, we would always joke about eating it. Finally we did. And to honor the Ham's memory, I wrote an obituary.

Ham, The (December 21,2007 to January 27, 2008)
The Ham passed away last night after being brutally assaulted by three hungry men who were under the influence of intoxicants. The Ham's short but memorable life began when it was processed and packaged in Sioux Falls, Iowa by the Hallowell Farms Ham Company. The Ham was then transported to an Acme in Vineland, New Jersey where it was soon purchased by one Tom King, a foreman for the Operators Union Local 561. Mr. King then gave the ham to his employee Mark Collins as a Christmas gift for his efforts. Mr. Collins then generously, albeit foolishly gave the ham to his friend Martin J. O'Connor. For the next month, the Ham sat in the cool confines of Mr. O'Connor's refrigerator and was among Keystone Lights, Miller Lites, Coca-Colas, and fruits and vegetables that certainly did not belong to Mr. O'Connor.
However, last night tragedy struck as the Ham was plucked from his cool and comfy home and placed in a tin serving tray. The Ham was then doused with honey, pineapples, brown sugar, and finally, a 12 ounce can of Cherry Coke. From there, the Ham was placed in an oven at an unbearable 400 degrees. The Ham battled courageously, but soon gave in to the sizzling soda/pineapple/honey bath it was in. After an hour, the Ham's lifeless yet wonderfully aromatic and somewhat crispy body was taken out and then butchered mercilessly with a sharp knife. He was then ingested by Mr. O'Connor, Mr. Joseph Tedesco, and Mr. Patrick Burkhardt. His sparse remains are on display back in Mr. O'Connor's fridge, however, there is not much of him left. His life was short, but in the end, he did make three hooligans very happy late last evening. The Ham was, in fact, delicious.
Donations can be made to the OConnor/Burkhardt/Tedesco Munchie Fund in c/o of The Ham. Services to be held at 11am tomorrow, or whenever Cailin Hadley throws the rest out.